Am I Wrong?

How you see

I first came to hear this song when my friend sent me the lyrics and the song. I felt as though it directly correlated to my life. There are those moments when things don’t seem to be cohesive and all seems like a nasty and shoddy mess. I hope these words impact you as much as they did me.

 Amazing things

Am I wrong
For thinking out the box from where I stay?
Am I wrong
For saying that I choose another way?
I ain’t trying to do what everybody else doin’
Just ’cause everybody doin’ what they all do
If one thing I know, I’ll fall but I’ll grow
I’m walking down this road of mine, this road that I call home

So am I wrong?
For thinking that we could be something for real?
Now am I wrong?
For trying to reach the things that I can’t see?
But that’s just how I feel,
That’s just how I feel
That’s just how I feel
Trying to reach the things that I can’t see (see, see, see)

Am I tripping
For having a vision?
My prediction
I’ma be on the top of the world
Walk your walk and don’t look back,
Always do what you decide
Don’t let them control your life, that’s just how I feel oh whoa
Fight for yours and don’t let go,
Don’t let them compare you, no
Don’t worry, you’re not alone, that’s just how we feel

Am I wrong? (am I wrong?)
For thinking that we could be something for real?
(Oh yeah yeah yeah yeah, oh)
Now am I wrong? (am I wrong?)
For trying to reach the things that I can’t see?
(Oh yeah yeah yeah yeah, yeah)
That’s just how I feel,
But that’s just how I feel
That’s just how I feel
Trying to reach the things that I can’t see (see, see, see)

If you tell me I’m wrong, wrong
I don’t wanna be right, right
If you tell me I’m wrong, wrong
I don’t wanna be right
If you tell me I’m wrong, wrong
I don’t wanna be right, right
If you tell me I’m wrong, wrong
I don’t wanna be right

Am I wrong?
For thinking that we could be something for real?
Now am I wrong?
For trying to reach the things that I can’t see?
But that’s just how I feel,
But that’s just how I feel
That’s just how I feel
Trying to reach the things that I can’t see (see, see, see)

So am I wrong? (am I wrong?)
For thinking that we could be something for real?
(Oh yeah yeah yeah yeah, oh)
Now am I wrong? (am I wrong?)
For trying to reach the things that I can’t see?
(Oh yeah yeah yeah yeah, yeah)
But that’s just how I feel,
That’s just how I feel
But that’s just how I feel
Trying to reach the things that I can’t see (see, see, see)

You inspired me

Cheers Nico & Vinz! Madd love :*

BelleWhimsical

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My Frustrations

Anti Me Society

I don’t know what to do. I am not at the end of my rope but it sure feels that way… I detest going against my norm but at the same time I am so torn it just feels easier. I am in mental and emotional turmoil, I forget why I exist… To what end is living life if it comes with things that just don’t make sense. When doors close, shouldn’t windows open?! ARRRGH! Am I expecting too much or am I doing too little?! Moments when my self worth is put into question are many and this time, it feels like the worst. Being stuck between a rock and a hard place seems so ideal right now but I am waaay past that!!! I feel like a druggie, like I am addicted to this pain, to this helplessness, to having no straws to clutch on.

Patient and Persistent

Am I so wrong for wanting mine? Wanting something that is me? Should I take a bow and instead follow the crowd? Am I ill? Mad? Maybe mental? I sometimes ponder about my purpose, I fail to recognise what it is…I fail to see that “big picture” the ‘norm’ (read society o_O ) is painting for me. I like colour, flamboyance, bling, name it, if it’s bursting with colour, I’m on it. I like growth, I like progress. Why then at this particular moment do I feel numb, frozen, pain, paralysis? A paradox I know, but that is the confusion that flows through my blood right now. The questions are endless, the answers scarce. What did I do so wrong to deserve this? Should I throw in the towel and succumb to the desires of the ‘norm’? Should I move ahead with their thoughts for me? Should I forget my essence, who I am, who I strive to be? Should I forget this journey I have been making for me?

Damn these feelings! These emotions! These suppositions! Damn it all! I am worn out, tired, exhausted. This race I can ran no more… I waste away slowly…till I can reconcile my thoughts, reconcile my being, reconcile who I truly am and what I truly want.

Yoko Ono Frustrations

BelleWhimsical

Bye…

Fly Bye

I hope you are happy
For when I’m gone
And my bones are ash
I will not return.

You said I would amount to nothing
I would be a no one
A loser,
A failure,
A waste.

I hope you are happy
For I have proven you wrong
It wasn’t a challenge, a competition, a game
I just Did me.
Lived me.
Loved me.

Like a phoenix I may rise from the ashes
But you will be too consumed by your grief, your greed and desires.
I will pass you by
Scaled eyes with rivers flowing
I will be ashamed to be associated
Grief replaces the guilt in your souls
Looking like biblical mourners.

When I die,
I hope my legacy remains
For my remains won’t
Just ashen dust choking the air.

Tears I cried will not be in vain
For my blood will reap the fruits
I hope you indeed are happy
My body is no more
I have laboured and toiled the emotional garden
It is time I lay my head to rest.

Good bye,
Good riddance to trash.
Good riddance to you.
I hope you ARE happy.

~BW

Fly Bye 2

BelleWhimsical

It’s all your fault, ladies, if he cheats.

I recently stumbled upon this story by @njokichege on Friday, July 11, 2014. It has caused a huge stir among the Kenyan women. I thought it a piece that was very raw and honest from her perspective. Be it real or fiction, it was something that we are certainly not accustomed to thus the rebuttle and backlash. In my opinion, no one shoud be offended unless there is some truth to the article. I fit into the profile of this thunder-thighed woman but I am not up in arms looking for Njoki’s head. Oh well, sad as it may be, I am greatly humoured by it all and as such, my quest for borrowed stories just took a juicy turn 🙂

Why do men cheat? No, let me rephrase the question. Why would a God-fearing man, who sings in the church choir cheat on his wife or girlfriend?

Is it because he is a wicked piece of junk that has completely lost its moral compass or he is an insatiable being?

There are several reasons why a man cheats, but as a woman, have you ever thought that you could be the reason why your husband strays? That you could have contributed 100 per cent to making him see in other skirts what he does not see in yours?

I see you are getting vexed and disgusted, but truth be told, women contribute a lot to their husband’s philandering ways. Here is what turns him off.

You are fat:

I like to call a spade a spade. When I see a fat girl, I will call her fat. Most married women I know are fat. Children or no children, you have lost your physical attractiveness.

What I see on the streets are rolls upon rolls of fat and flesh wobbling around. I look at some married women and I pity their husbands, asking myself “How do you get turned on by that?” or “How do you wash all that mass?”

I understand that the vagaries of life and childbirth take their toll on a woman’s body, but ladies, can you shove this stinking attitude of “plus-size and loving it?” It is time women stopped lying to themselves that big is beautiful; that plus size is attractive and that what matters is what is inside.

To hell with inner beauty! Who gets turned on by inner beauty? Who cares if you have a wonderful heart and a wiggly mass of flesh for a behind? Big is not beautiful. Those ‘tyres’ around your waist are not love handles; they are ugly, unsightly and unheavenly.

Those flabby arms are not sexy at all; they are disgusting to look at and you must reduce them. Those stretch marks are not beauty marks of childbirth, they are as a result of your uncontrolled consumption of loads of food and you need to stop eating like a pig.

A man can afford a potbelly and get away with being thought to be rich but an overweight woman is a disgrace.

Do away with your thunder thighs ladies; they are excess baggage you don’t need. If it has been two years since you had a child and your tummy still wobbles when you brush your teeth, then you are a lazy bum.

I don’t care if you have a busy schedule or four kids. If you have time to down an entire mug of uji, then girl, it is time to hit the gym.

Stop giving your husbands a rough time by expecting them to look away when they see a woman with a great body pass by when you resemble a baby hippo.

You are an idle nag:

You are fat, and then, you are a nag. How difficult can your husband’s life get? Your physical unattractiveness sticks out like a sore thumb and you want to reduce your chances of happiness by topping it up with being an irritating nag that cannot give her husband peace?

If he tells you he is in the pub with wazee, why the hell would you bombard his phone with texts and calls asking him where he is?

What you need is to get a life, friends, a pet or a hobby. Hit the ground running with projects at work and oh…signing up for the gym.

It takes a lot of your time and takes your mind off stuff. A nagging woman, no matter how physically attractive she is, will end up with a cheating husband who is not sorry for straying. For goodness sake, stop going through his phone and will you stop asking who ‘Sheila’ is?

You have no sense of fashion:

The first thing you notice about a woman is her fashion sense. Then her face and her physical appearance. I have seen some of you show up in the office looking like you were run over by a truck. Your clothes are distasteful and ill-fitting and your hair looks like grass in City Stadium after a tough football match.

How much will it cost you to dress well? How much will it cost you to do away with the ugly dresses and drab jeans? Are you so backward that you cannot even flip through a fashion magazine or blog to look at the latest fashion trends.

How long will it take you to put some lipstick and heels? I don’t expect you to wear six-inch heels, but what is a woman who cannot sashay and strut in a sexy pair of heels?

Is your life so miserable that you cannot be creative enough to have another hairstyle besides that stinking plastic bird nest you call a weave?

Ladies, competition is tough and there are very many attractive women walking around this town. Just because you are hitched with three children does not mean you must squeeze yourself in that sickening faded pair of trousers and flat shoes.

Just because you are somebody’s mother doesn’t mean that you can’t show some leg and cleavage, lots of it. Who says because you are a born-again mother of four and a devoted wife you cannot look fantastic and decent in a figure hugging dress?

You are lazy and boring:

Let’s face it. Since you got married, you have become a boring, dull and gloomy stay-at-home mother and wife whose one and only goal is to raise children.

You will be damned if you expect your husband to follow suit. You have lost your taste for fun and your idea of it is taking the children out for chips and swimming.

Your husband does not crave your company anymore and the only place you go together is church, visiting family and friends. You let your husband go alone for jogging or to the gym and you think he will not cheat on you with the chic that reminds him to go for jogging?

How thick can you get? If you are not your husband’s recreational partner, then somebody else will be. There are pretty young things that understand there is more to life than sitting at home watching Nigerian movies and Corazon Indomable.

The truth is, if your husband doesn’t find you fun to be with, don’t expect him to find you sexually attractive. That is the painful truth.

I Imagine You Here

Imagine

2 months ago, I lost a friend who I considered my small sister. In a quest to find a way to heal and cope, I wrote her a letter. I feel a little better though it is harder than I ever imagined. The beauty is, I feel like she is just a pen and paper away, or maybe that’s just in my head. In writing, I truly do find some solace.

 

LetterHey Solange,

It has been a minute… Sorry for the silence. Things have just been mega crazy on my end. I know that is not a viable excuse but you know you can cut me some slack. I was wondering if you finally made up your mind on what your prom dress will look like. I need to know so that I can start on the accessories. I am so certain you will look prime. You always do anyway 🙂 I am so excited that you’ll finally be done with highschool and get to venture out to learn about events. You are so going to work on my random event plans!!! Oh, are you still going to Coast? I am SOOO envious! I will so be in school 😦 Wish I could skip class and join you. It’ll be a mad party!

I know that there are times you look at yourself and see little. I need you to know that you are great, you are amazing, you are able, you are creative, you are beautiful, your are a flower in bloom and a butterfly in the sky. My girl, you are capable and no one and nothing should put you down. The world has her ways, create yours and follow faithfully.

“I miss you so much and want you to ask me for random information.

I want you to call me or even just text me. I just want you to be here.”

Please come back, call me, email me or just text me. I want to be your big sister again, I want to be your rock, comfort and shelter. I just want you back! I do not know how to accept that you are gone, I really just don’t know what to do… You lived your life to the fullest my dear, you have left me with that to work with. I want to be able to speak my mind with little or no fear of being reprimanded. I actually will speak my mind. I will ask when unsure and say what I feel or think honestly. I will live, because I deserve to. I will live so that I may have a reason to wake up. I will live so I may also fulfil my purpose. I will live because there is nothing else to do aside from live. That, I love you for!

In dying, you opened my eyes. I am still unaccepting but your aura lingers around me, I thank you. All along, I thought that I was the one teaching and guiding you. Now, I realise that you are the one who has taught me the greatest lesson of all. You have taught me that I need to live. I love you more and more…I just pray that you left knowing that. I may never have said it in those words, but my hope is that my actions showed you my love for you. I do not know how I will get to the point of accepting that you are gone. I guess only time will tell. I hope you are happy on the other side and that mum and dad are showering you with their love.

Who Dies.jpg

Please know that you were loved on this end, and you are still loved and cherished. I still do not know when I will overcome and accept that you are gone in the flesh. Accept that you will not call or text me, accept that I am no longer going to make your accessories or wait for you to order your bag. I should give Grandma one by the way. I’m sure she’d like that.

I miss you my love, and I cherish you. “Time only, can heal…” Grandma told me that. I concur 🙂 Watch over me and keep FLY! This is not goodbye, Just a see you later.

Rest well Baby Sis 🙂 🙂 🙂 Much love, madd crazy love xoxo

Bottoms Up

BelleWhimsical

My Muse

 As we proceed through this journey we call life, there are moments that are created where you meet people that uproot you from what you are used to and create a new world which in turn opens a new page in your life journal. I have been fortunate  enough to have experienced that moment in the recent past. I have found My Muse 🙂 I hope you find yours 🙂

Come Alive Muse

I curve a story in words
Not a story but thoughts
With the cold keeping me numb
All I feel is the warmth in your touch
The caress of your words
And inspiration from your thoughts

A kindred soul
Met in a universe untold
They speak of gold
We relish the wealth of wisdom
Like a lotus in the night
I shy away
But somehow by your might
I shine my rays

This is a divine journey
No gimmicks or limericks
Just us
Like stars unending
Know you are cherished
Even as this cold keeps me numb

~BW

New World Anais Nin

BelleWhimsical

How Red is a Red Flag?

Image

 

Over the last few days, I have been catching up with my thoughts and friends. Boy! What amazing and interesting conversations. Issues discussed ranged from politics to family to fashion and the one that stuck out like a sore thumb, MEN. Trying to figure out where to start on this subject is crazy…maybe with the funniest yet sad stories. Those things that we laugh at, yet we shouldn’t, you know them? Yup, those sadistic type stories. Somehow the issue of men being worse than women in relationships came up and we started to compare notes. Our own and even “borrowed” stories. Hilarious I must say. I do consider myself a sadist of sorts so if the humour gets to dry, you have been well warned. I will say it as is. My girl friend, *Lyra, asks me, after seeing a mutual guy friend, *Rik, if she had mentioned a certain violence story involving Rik, his girlfriend *Jen and herself. Being a lover of stories, I edged closer ever so eagerly, waiting to listen. It got me thinking about my violence story…lol! And here, I use the word violence to imply something as trivial as a shove to brandishing knives. I deviate… After getting a hang of the initial part of the story (the boring part), we got to the flowing and juicy part.She mentioned how people forget that a relationship is for two, not three. I quickly interjected, “The only time it is for three is when the first child comes into a couple’s life.” Back to the story, Rik had issues with Jen and Lyra was in the premise when a fight broke out. He saw the need to exert his macho-ness and stomp around the house throwing glasses at them. Oh well, we all sort and resolve our issues in our own way. Despite laughing at the way she told the story and even re-enacted some parts, I got goosebumps at the thought that it could have been worse. I may in turn have been denied this opportunity to edge closer to Lyra to satisfy my sadistic nature with her story. They could have been maimed or even dead! *GASP* Thank goodness it did not get there. It got me thinking about those RED FLAGS we talk about as women and men, in life as a whole. I was once slapped by someone who I was in a SITUATIONSHIP with. As I loosely put it, I saw dim dims (not too sure what the definition is but it makes sense). I can honestly say that I had never been hit by a man before and when it happened, I walked away. He saw no error but I saw a bleak future. RED FLAG! In another instance, a *Abby got poured on acid by her fiancé for hanging out and catching up with a chap who was her friend and they had lost touch with. He then ran off and left her scarred and traumatized. *Edna was chased after, caught, fallen onto the ground and then strangled by her better half, *Clay. She lives on to tell her saga.

 

 

 

WhimsicalSoliloquyLoveThoughts

So my question, what say you about these instances? Are they random or is it a usual occurrence? Women being kicked out of the house in the middle of the night, well beaten and bruised then get called back the next day with promises of change and a box of chocolates in hand. Please note that I am not taking any side on this. As Lyra said, a relationship is for two.

What really causes or triggers the men to get to that point? Why do we, as women, go back in hopes of change? I am a believer in a millie chances. Though it gets to a point where I foresee a potentially early death and I scatter. Never will I ask a friend to leave her battering man or his battering woman. If I do, check me on it. What I have learnt is to ask the real, hard and honest questions. All I ask someone, as I once was asked on a different issue, “Do you want this for the rest of your life?” Answer that honestly, not to me but to yourself. Ask yourself the question until you know within, what the honest answers to self is. My thoughts on violence lie with the basis that some level of inferiority from within is involved. If I insult you, you can choose the better option of walking away and leaving me there to look like a bubbling buffoon. Joke will be on me. Instead, we question ourselves and feel that we must guard that which is ours: pride, ego and dignity. I too have fallen prey to such scenarios.

Once I went off the reservation, high as a kite and made an attempt to beat up *Greg. I am not of small stature but when going against a well-seasoned athlete, I would have been squished like a bug! In spite of being out for blood, we all left unscathed and I left with a bruised ego. To add onto which, my friends wanted to beat me up for ruining our night out. When I later gathered my thoughts and looked at what really happened and what the root cause of the drama was, I realised that I needed to call out Greg. I had a talk with him where I made a clear point of asking him to stop being condescending. He didn’t have to talk to me and if he had to, it had to be honest and true, not bitchy and derogatory. In retrospect, I think he fears and reveres me at the same time (a girl has her right to brag you know ;)). Once again, I realized that it could have been worse, and fortunately enough, I saw the issue and solution, at least on my end.  And the outright basic solution was conversation: holding an open, honest and clean dialogue. Ask the right questions and you will realize that many have no relevant answers or keep dodging the issue yet they want to call you out. This is mainly because they have fixated their minds on what should be, not what is true. They remain engrossed on a created fantasy in their minds.

You go to a fight (read dialogue) with your hand held out in pursuit of a handshake and your opponent comes forth brandishing an array of ammo, this leaves you with an unfair dialogue at hand. With that said, if talking does not work and violence erupts, the kind you see Death lurking in the shadows, I will say this, RUUUN!!! Run as fast and carefully as your legs can carry you in order to save your life. You certainly do not want to trip on the carpet or stairwell and end up breaking your neck. It’ll be a lost cause. Stay safe and treat others as you have your children treated 🙂

 

BelleWhimsical